I’m thinking about changing careers

My wife thinks I’m joking … but I'll still be trying to save the world.

If Nate Bargatze can do it …

Story genesis: My wife is a fan of stand-up comedian Nate Bargatze, dubbed “the nicest man in comedy.” She emailed me a clip of his this morning. I agree Nate is funny, but she shouldn’t have sent me this clip because it (once again) got me to thinking, “Heck, I can do that.”

***

It’s an inside joke with my wife that I’m going to quit my day job saving the world as a struggling freelance writer and go out onto the stand-up circuit and save the world via comedy.

When it comes to the best gene therapy, comedy is the dose we should be rolling up our sleeves to get as laughter includes zero side effects …. except for painful ribs from belly laughs.

The joke, though, is that I’m not really funny. Or nobody thinks I’m particularly funny.

Only I know that I used to be funny - back in high school, back in the days when I wasn’t trying to save the world.

I’ve always thought it would be a compelling drama if a person like myself could re-discover his zaniness, his certain Joie de vivre. 

Here’s my pitch for Netflix: Struggling contrarian freelance writer by day, struggling stand-up comedian by night. Against all odds, can he hit it big? Watch and find out ….

As I see it, a good stand-up comedian just tells stories. Comedians typically draw on their own lives for their material. I mean, what’s so hard about telling stories about your own life?

I told my wife, “I can do it.” 

My wife replied, “What? Are you trying to be funny?”

I replied, “Yes. Exactly … but you’re not laughing.”

I guess I’m just going to have to prove that I’m serious about being un-serious. This is by no means my A material, but here goes …

(Rice walks out onto the stage and just starts telling stories)

The other day I was playing “Would Your Rather” with my son. Jack came up with one of the best questions I’ve ever heard: “Would you rather drink all the water in the ocean or eat all the sand on the beach?”

I remember playing the same game on long car trips with my two brothers.

“Would you rather slide down a giant razor blade into a pool of lemon juice … or watch Alabama lose to Auburn when Auburn blocks two punts in the game’s final six minutes?” 

In our family, that was an easy one … lemon juice!

I asked Jack, our first-grade son, if he’d rather play “Would you Rather” or “Twenty Questions.”

Jack thinks the game is really “20 Answers.” The other day the subject was “Restaurants.” A good first question might be, “Have we eaten there recently?”

But Jack goes straight for the win.

“McDonald’s!”

“Ah, no.”

“Chick-Fil-A!”

“No. You now have 18 more questions.”

“I give up. What is it?”

“It’s Mamma Leone’s in New York.”

To which, I received a blank stare from the kids … and an equally-befuddled look from my bride.

However, this gave me an excuse to tell my own two kids about the time my brothers and I went to New York in 1984 … where one night we actually ate a Mamma Leone’s. 

My Dad had eaten at this famous restaurant in 1960 when he was 20 years old and Coach Bryant took the Alabama football team to the Big Apple after the Liberty Bowl in Philadelphia. 

Since Dad paid for our trip, we had to eat there as that was one of Dad’s great memories from his younger years.  

I’ll put it this way: I don’t think 1984 Mamma Leone’s was the same as 1960 Mamma Leone’s. 

My daughter Maggie wanted to know what I ordered … and (of course) whether Mamma Leone’s had chicken nuggets.

 “No, it’s an Italian restaurant,” I told her. “I had lasagna.” 

As I recall, we never told our late father that Mrs. Stouffer’s version of this dish was much better than Mamma Leone’s. 

All I remember about that meal was that two waiters got into a big fight with each other during our meal. I mean, they tore into each other. 

Sometimes you don’t choose your own memories; sometimes two fighting waiters choose your memories for you.

As it turns out, my first grader - the Jack Rabbit - aka Pickle Jack McCoy - would rather play some video game called Row Blocks (?).

I’ve never played the game, but apparently you get Row Blocks’ money. I asked Jack: “Would you rather get a million Row Blocks’ dollars or one real dollar from Dad?” 

Thankfully, the answer is the former so I got to keep my buck for our vital Tooth Fairy Fund.

I’m sure everyone here will agree with me. The key to a happy marriage is all the things you never learn about your beloved spouse. 

To this day, I don’t know how much my wife spends each month so Jack can play Row Row your Bucks … nor do I want to know. If Jack is happy rowing that boat and my wife is using her own money to keep him in the boat, I’m going to simply chill out quietly in the back of that boat.

There’s actually big bucks in any activity that entertains the kids. That’s why the only movies being made these days are kids movies.

I don’t know about you, but at our house my wife and I haven’t been to the movies together since we went to see “Fifty Shades of Grey.”  … I’m joking. I’m joking. Come on. What kind of stand-up comedian do you think I am? 

All my wife and I do now is binge watch old TV shows. For example, we loved “Downtown Abbey,” which means I’m now supposed to pay for a future trip to the English coutryside (circa 2026, not to be confused with 1922).

We both found “Mad Men” maddening in a strangely captivating way.  That show did make me feel better about the cigarettes I sometimes smoke when I’m writing stories. 

I know I shouldn’t admit that I sometimes smoke cigarettes, but I’ve found in my stand-up career that an audience generally appreciates honesty.

By the way, I should tell you here that I’m unvaccinated …. Ha! Just kidding. Just kidding … No, please come back and take your seat. 

I think the last time my wife and I went out on a date and saw a movie in a theater was the night before our daughter Maggie was born. I still remember the movie. It was “The Help.”

The title of the movie is ironic as, since that night, we haven’t been able to afford any help so the two of us could go to the movies.

But today we will spend $75 to take our two children to see the latest “Sonic the Hedge Hog” movie.

It’s the popcorn, Cokes and pickles that get you. But, since it’s for the kids and the movie theater accepts credit cards, we happily spend our Row Bucks to enjoy a pleasant family outing. As they say, what we are really buying is precious memories. 

Magic Memories …

Last Spring Break, we spent $8,000 on a precious family memory when we finally went to Disney World.

The enduring memory of my kids is riding that Aerosmith roller coaster. Mine was yakking up my lunch on the same roller coaster … as well as my swollen feet from trying to circumvent all the countries at Epcot. 

I asked one Disney Magic Maker, “Can’t I just fly through this place like I did on the Avatar ride?” 

Cinderella happened to be in the middle of a photo shoot. I interrupted the shoot and asked her where that horse-drawn carriage was that she you used to go to the ball.

“I’ll give you $1,000 right now if I can borrow it for an hour.”

Some of the Disney characters won’t even talk to you. For example, Mickey Mouse won’t. He’ll wave at you, but that’s about the most stuck-up mouse I’ve ever tried to have a conversation with. It’s like he thinks he owns the place or something.

However, at Epcot, I did have a pleasant conversation with Mary Poppins herself. My kids were dumbfounded that I just started up a conversation with her.  

I told my daughter Maggie that Mary Poppins puts on her dress just like you do. She can fly with an umbrella and has other magic powers - and she has a very nice singing voice - but she’s no different than me or you.

Miss Poppins couldn’t have been more charming and polite. The memory of shooting the sh*t with Mary Poppins was worth $8,000. I also talked some smack with Tigger too.

Actually, I’m happy we all went to Disney World, but I’ll tell you, central Florida is different than south Alabama.

For example, there were toll roads everywhere. Toll highways, toll avenues, toll dirt paths.

I got back to Troy and five weeks later I got a notice for missed payments for running through one of the toll roads where I accidentally didn’t pay the piper.

They nabbed me because the “free state of Florida” has put up cameras everywhere. I guess the state is growing so fast they’ve got to get revenue somewhere. They say it’s for the kids, so I paid it late fee and all.

Next time we go to Disney World, I’m going to duck tape a brown paper bag across my license plate and see how that works out. Or just go by bike, which is what the Green New Deal folks apparently want with these 15-minute cities. 

When I told my wife I was going to go on the stand-up comedian circuit, the only thing she told me was “don’t do political humor.”

I told her this might be tough for me, but she gave me all these examples of successful comedians who have prospered by staying away from controversial political issues. For example, none of them talk about Covid and they are perfectly fine with Spy Cameras on every corner.

Like Nate Bargatze, I’m also supposed to keep my humor clean - on the off chance some parents take their 5th graders to a night of stand-up comedy.

But I can do wholesome humor as well. I mean, If that’s where the money is, I can go back into the memory vaults and recycle some of those clean, corny jokes Dad told us on those long car trips.

Actually, as you can tell, I’m not going to tell any jokes. Telling jokes has become a joke in the stand-up game. You just tell stories.

If a few of the stories are mildly amusing, I might get some courtesy laughs. If none of my stories are funny, I’ll get 40 minutes of awkward silence and hopefully only a handful of hecklers. 

In which case, I’ll simply go back to freelance writing and save the world that way. I’ll tell my wife and kids, “Well, Dad struck out as a stand-up comedian.”

And my wife will say, “That’s okay, honey. We still love you.” 

And Jack would tide me over with some of his millions of Row Bucks. Maggie would point out that I can now run through more lines with her for her upcoming stage production, “Dear Edwina” … where Maggie has the lead role!

In these crazy Covid times, smart people keep telling me, “Hang tight with your family. That’s who’s really important.” The memories do matter …. And don’t forget to find time to laugh.

For the laughs, you can watch Nate Bargatze. I’m keeping my day job.