Things I Was Once Great At …

I might as well write a follow-up to my last silly column. Plus, these columns are safer.

Mr. Knievel, who was far less evil than later famous people, jumped cars and canyons. Inspired by him, I got very good at jumping trash cans on my bicycle.

My column on things I can’t do that most other people could do generated a surprising number of Reader Comments. Probably too many, because I now want to write a list of things I AM good at (or am much better than most people).

Important caveat: I was ONCE very good at these things - but, alas, not anymore.

Walking on stilts …

Christmas is around the corner which makes me think of the most memorable Christmas present I ever received (that was gift-wrapped under the tree). This very long and narrow present turned out to be a pair of stilts from great Uncle Bill and his sweet wife, Aunt Hootie.

Not only did I open this present first, I practiced all the time and could soon walk better on stilts than any kid in Opelika, Alabama.

Jumping rope

I’m working on a story right now on the exceptional P.E. program middle school students in Troy, Alabama enjoyed under Coach Whitey Whitman in the 1970s and 1980s.

In this P.E. program, students had to jump rope … and I was terrible, which was embarrassing. I decided this wouldn’t stand and I got my Mom to buy me a jump rope and practiced every day in our driveway.

Before long, I was skipping rope faster than Sugar Ray Leonard ever could. There’s a life lesson here - something about practice makes perfect.

Three-legged race

In 1976 when I was in fifth grade, my best friend Carter Dukes and I teamed up in the annual school Field Day in the three-legged race. I don’t know why, but we were naturals at this sport and easily won the school blue ribbon.

A few months later, Opelika celebrated the Bicentennial with a city-wide festival and all the kids in town competed in the three-legged race. Carter and I again blew away the field. Man, if this had only been an Olympic Sport. Carter and I retired undefeated.

Matel electronic football and basketball

I was All-Pro calibre at this game - and then basketball - and spent so much time in front of this tiny screen, I realized I better quit. Some of my friends didn’t and are probably spending four hours/day playing video games today.

One of the fist hand-held video games was a rectangular gizmo that featured dots representing football and basketball players. I was soon an All-Star at both games. Circa 1978, nobody could beat me. Alas, I quickly discovered how addictive these games can be … and I, intentionally, quit playing them. 

Maze rolling ball

One of the best - or most unique - games my brothers and I received for Christmas was a game where you tried to roll a metal ball through a maze without the ball falling into a gauntlet of holes. Players had to constantly and rapidly tip the board with two knobs. Not many people could maneuver the ball to the end of the board, but I could do it almost every time. 

Tic Tac Toe

Always move in the center square first … if you don’t you’ll lose. The “Cat” should always have this game.

I’m not bragging (okay, I am), but I have never been beaten in Tic Tac Toe. It turns out there are only a couple of rules you need to know in this game and somebody taught them to me. (In researching this article, I learned this game was invented more than 3,000 years ago!)

The golf tee game at Cracker Barrel

I can still compete at a respectable level in this game.

I was always good at this “peg” game - where you jump tees while you wait for your chicken and dumplings and sweet tea. A couple of months ago, I took the kids to Cracker Barrel and played again. The first time, I didn’t run the triangle. But I did the second and third time. I’ve still got it, man!

Ping Pong

If your family has a ping pong table, you’re going to get good at table tennis. Well, we had a ping pong table in the basement in Opelika and my Dad and brother were good players so I got ample scrimmage time.

The Ping Pong table didn’t make the move to Troy but I still had the Ping Pong muscle memory and often played intense grudge matches against my friends Chuck Norris and Scott Rainey, who did have a ping pong table.

Scott and Chuck could beat me, but I beat them just as much as they beat me.

I think Chuck was the best ping pong player in Troy because he could put tremendous spin on the ball. This wasn’t “dirty pool;” it was dirty ping pong.

Ramping trash cans on a bicycle

Raise your hand if you once owned this.

In the early and mid-1970s, Evil Knievel might have been the most famous person in the world. Evil, who was not nearly as evil as Anthony Fauci, jumped cars, fountains and even canyons on a motorcycle or rocket.

In Opelika, my buddies jumped trash cans (laid on their sides) on our bikes. I once cleared six trash cans and lived to brag about it … 50 years later.

*** (If you’ve reached your quota on Covid or Donald Trump stories, feel free to share this). ***

Fall-away jump shots

I grew up to be 6-feet-2, which is much taller than average. However, I hit my growth spurt later in life. When I was younger and played a lot of drive-way basketball, just about everyone I played against seemed to be taller than me and always blocked my shots.

Because of this, I had to develop a fall-away shot. Later, I also kept spraining my ankles. Because of this, I did not want to make any strong moves to the hoop where I’d risk stepping on someone’s Nike’s and turning my ankle again. My safety solution was to shoot the ball while I was falling away from the defender.

Today, I’m 59 and have an 8-year-old son who is suddenly very interested in basketball.

When shooting hoops with “Pickle Jack McCoy,” I quickly discovered my jump shot had gone to heck in a hand basket. However, if I take a dribble and fall-away from the hoop, I can still swish shots at above a 50-percent clip. This must be explained by “muscle memory” that’s lasted 40-plus years. Amazing.

Bumper pool …

I keep going back to my “Opie Taylor Days” in Opelika. After Mom and Dad re-finished the basement, Dad bought an octagon-shaped bumper pool table which included a top which allowed the bumper pool game to double as a poker table.

I quickly mastered the game’s key strategy of blocking the holes on defense. I didn’t chart it, but my winning percentage in bumper pool had to be 90 percent. 

I also learned to play stud and draw poker when I was 7 but - never learned the elaborate and mystifying poker games every one plays today. The fact I did not learn this has no doubt saved me thousands of dollars through the years.

Identifying people who look like famous people

As noted in this recent Troy Citizen article, I also have a very rare talent for identifying people who look like famous people. One might think there’s no way to monetize this talent. However, my article proving I posses this skill netted me three new paid subscribers.

Black Jack (and the skills one learns in college)

Since my parents are now deceased, I guess I can admit that every Sigma Nu at the University of Alabama played more black jack than our parents played Bridge.

I was not the best player in the fraternity, but I knew when to double down, split my cards and “stick.” I also, belatedly, learned the “House” still has the advantage in this game so the correct play is … to not play this game.

The Sigma Nu’s also had three bookies that took bets in college football season and I won’t mention all the beer keg drinking games I once mastered.

… I better stop now because it occurs to me several of the activities I excelled at were either illegal, addictive or potentially dangerous. 

It’s ironic I now write Covid and Censorship essays that fall into the same categories.

***

(I think it’s safer to write columns like this).

One-time Ko-Fi donations greatly appreciated!